Юмор

[juzy]

Нашёл на просторах англоязычного интернета. Практически - это перевод известного русского анекдота. Переводил, естественно, не я - но если бы я его переводил, я именно так бы и перевёл. Вспомните анекдот!

Bullfrogs and Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[juzy]

Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

[Oleg]

Половину не понял
Пошёл за словарём.
Про Ливерпуль понравилось

Что такое type-O???
И про бра объясните
И про косого учителя
А seconds - это добавка?
И про Маркса

[Elpis-VY]

Половину не понял
Пошёл за словарём.
Про Ливерпуль понравилось

Что такое type-O???
И про бра объясните
И про косого учителя
А seconds - это добавка?
И про Маркса

Тут, в основном, омофоны:
Typo – опечатка; type-O – 0 группа крови (I);
Marx – [Карл] Маркс; marks – отметки.

"Pupil" не только "ученик", но и "зрачок". При дислексии люди не могут составить буквы в слова (bra – bar). Под "second", по-моему, имеется в виду second course.

Кстати, о дислексии, Robert Galbraith "The Cuckoo's Calling":

– Lechsinka's (уборщица) already bin in this morning.
Strike (сыщик) could smell polish...

[Oleg]

Marx – [Карл] Маркс; marks – отметки.

Большое спасибо.
А я что-то communism class понял как рабочий класс

Кстати, о дислексии, Robert Galbraith "The Cuckoo's Calling":

О дислексии??

[Elpis-VY]

Не буду раскрывать интригу сюжета.

[Oleg]

bin вместо been
Это тоже дислексия?